Sunday, July 26, 2015

The reality of suck

Growing up, I was told that I shouldn't have a bad attitude about things. I should obey my parent's directions immediately and happily. Or at least make it seem that way. There are some obvious problems with this but, depending on your parenting philosophy, no real solutions.

As I have gotten older and realized that there is value in being emotionally honest with myself, I have been forced to actually feel things. My upbringing taught me to gloss over or suppress a lot of emotions because they didn't matter in the family economy. So adulting has now required a certain amount of unlearning. Because guess what? Sometimes, reality sucks.

In unlearning though, I have hit an interesting road block. I am feeling things but I am not always sure the value or place of some of these emotions. Maybe this is my personality but I am still trying to figure out what to do with these feelings that are now filling my head and heart.

So what do you do? What do you do when parenting sucks? Or when work stress is overwhelming? Or you get so intensely lonely that you aren't sure what to do and start getting that crazy look in your eyes? Or what about when you see something so mind-blowingly beautiful that you can't fully process it? What about when a loved one dies? Or disaster strikes your country, community?

I'm still figuring that all out, figuring out how to process grief, love, beauty, awareness. But one thing I have realized is that I need to lean into those feelings. Hiding from them doesn't change them. But leaning into them. Leaning into them may be the only way I will learn how to feel and act in balance.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Some days...pt. 4

It was recently suggested to me that holy is small, unnoticed, even undignified. I didn't want to like that but even as I read it, I realized the truth of those words. Like the original author, I wanted big actions, big change, big difference. Little did I know that God does big in the small.

Really though...I should have known that. My God suffered infinite punishment on the cross in finite time. That is really big in the really small. My God washed feet of His disciples, His creation. The Creator cares for the creation. My God says that He has begun a good work in me and will complete it. That is a lot of fixing to do in one small life in one short time span.

And so on some days, I will remember that. When my kids make big messes in our little house or I yearn to do something bigger than wipe boogers, I will remember that my little will be big. Because it is my job, my calling, my heavenly stores in the making.

But some days...it is hard to remember. Small is big.